what i gained when i lost hair.

today, i did it.

i cut quite a bit of my hair.

and then i had it set on small perm rods so that it looks really short.

and then i had an under the surface anxiety attack.

here's what i thought as i was turned around in the chair and faced my new look in the mirror:

oh, god i look old oh GOD i look like my mother i'm not sure i like this jesus christ i cut my hair i cut my hair do i like this am i feeling this maybe after i put on some makeup an earrings jaysus i look like my mom does this mean i picked this hairdo 30 years too early ok i got this i got this i can work this look oh dear god what have i done!

here's what the stylist said: "now THIS is cute! and when your permed hair is completely gone, your new growth is going to curl right up. it's gonna really look cute!"

here's what i said to the stylist: "it looks great!!"

i'm sure she thought the sheen in my eyes was excitement.

it was terror.

terror because when you have shorter hair, you have no place to hide, so to speak. when you have shorter hair that's not straight, you are really playing with fire.

...i got more side-eyes today from the male persuasion than usual...

As much as i told myself otherwise, i am keenly aware that long hair equals femininity. and even though i've worn my hair much much MUCH shorter than this, i still felt very self conscious about my new look.

the only thing i can think is i feel different now because my hair isn't straight. i am standing outside the beauty norms forced upon us as black women. and it is uncomfortable.

but i'm not going back.

i'll just keep wearing big earrings, eyeliner, and an highly inappropriate, merely decorative headband until the next level.

in the meantime, i found a great new hairdresser thanks to a friend's referral. and she's right next door to where i live, halleluyer!!