today, i did it.
i cut quite a bit of my hair.
and then i had it set on small perm rods so that it looks really short.
and then i had an under the surface anxiety attack.
here's what i thought as i was turned around in the chair and faced my new look in the mirror:
oh, god i look old oh GOD i look like my mother i'm not sure i like this jesus christ i cut my hair i cut my hair do i like this am i feeling this maybe after i put on some makeup an earrings jaysus i look like my mom does this mean i picked this hairdo 30 years too early ok i got this i got this i can work this look oh dear god what have i done!
here's what the stylist said: "now THIS is cute! and when your permed hair is completely gone, your new growth is going to curl right up. it's gonna really look cute!"
here's what i said to the stylist: "it looks great!!"
i'm sure she thought the sheen in my eyes was excitement.
it was terror.
terror because when you have shorter hair, you have no place to hide, so to speak. when you have shorter hair that's not straight, you are really playing with fire.
...i got more side-eyes today from the male persuasion than usual...
As much as i told myself otherwise, i am keenly aware that long hair equals femininity. and even though i've worn my hair much much MUCH shorter than this, i still felt very self conscious about my new look.
the only thing i can think is i feel different now because my hair isn't straight. i am standing outside the beauty norms forced upon us as black women. and it is uncomfortable.
but i'm not going back.
i'll just keep wearing big earrings, eyeliner, and an highly inappropriate, merely decorative headband until the next level.
in the meantime, i found a great new hairdresser thanks to a friend's referral. and she's right next door to where i live, halleluyer!!
Friday, July 31, 2009
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Monday, July 6, 2009
Co-wash? Try NO-wash.
the first time i tried Co-washing, it was a raging success...except for one tiny problem. it seemed like my hair got dirty again much more quickly than before. I can usually make it at least a week before feeling the need to wash again. That time, i felt the need again after 3 days! that was a rather annoying price to pay for the soft shiny hair i was sporting post was. I attribute this magic to Optimum Oil Recovery Condtioner I used. This stuff is magic, mineral oil not withstanding...
the second time i co-washed, i used a different conditioner. and let's just say the results are really troubling. What i was left with was hard, dry, unhappy looking hair. This is the type of result that drives women to the Big Chop because anything ANYTHING beats this crazy looking mess right here. I'm not sure if the fault lies with the condtioner or with the fact that i'm not really getting my hair as clean as i should be by simply using a conditioner. having read that most conditioners have a small amount of detergent in them to assist in cleaning, i wonder if the Silicon Mix conditioner does not.
the second time i co-washed, i used a different conditioner. and let's just say the results are really troubling. What i was left with was hard, dry, unhappy looking hair. This is the type of result that drives women to the Big Chop because anything ANYTHING beats this crazy looking mess right here. I'm not sure if the fault lies with the condtioner or with the fact that i'm not really getting my hair as clean as i should be by simply using a conditioner. having read that most conditioners have a small amount of detergent in them to assist in cleaning, i wonder if the Silicon Mix conditioner does not.
the bottom line is, Co-washing seems to work extremely well if you use a moisture intensive conditioner. comparing the ingredients of these two products, the Optimum Oil Therapy conditioner really has the upper hand when it comes to natural oils and moisturizers.
so co-wash with care! not all conditioners are made equal and the choice you make can mean the difference between this:
and this:
no, this isn't my hair...yet.
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
kinks on the scalp and in the mind
"Don't remove the kinks from you hair, remove them from your brain." - Marcus Garvey
"You sho' is UGLY!" - Shug
i'm starting to understand why some people consider natural hair to be political or controversial. it all starts when someone who has his or her own thoughts about hair, beauty, gender roles, and relational norms imposes those standards onto you. and then, and here's the shell game!....when you resist that tide, BAM:
controversy.
i had a talk with the man i kiss about transitioning my hair. he took it in stride. he even told me he completely agreed with my decision to lock my hair. i thought to myself "that was probably the easiest conversation a woman has ever had about making a drastic change to her hair!"
but the one time i told him it was my intention of cutting my hair off completely, he must have blocked it from his mind. i mean i know he heard me, but as with most things that make no sense to him, he apparently just blinked through it and waited for me to stop making noise.
this past sunday, we were watching the BET awards and saw kanye west and his girlfriend amber rose. my kissing mate said "WHO is that! her hair makes her look like a dude!"
i said "you think so?"...thinking to myself with a body like that, she would never be confused with a man, but who wants to point that crap out to your kissing mate and set yourself up for sitting through an extended ogling session?....
"i was totally going to cut my hair off like that," i finished, almost offhandedly.
"yeah, right." he answered, equally offhandedly with a smattering of panic i believe i heard along the edges.
"no really! i was totally gonna..."
"YEAH.RIGHT." he finished.
which, in my mind, equated to "good day sir, I SAID GOOD DAY!"
i let it go, only because i'd changed my mind already anyway. but still.
does any other group on the face of the world get as much static about hair than the black woman? and while it's true that black men experience their own share of criticism if their hair doesn't fit a certain acceptable image (corporate fro, anyone?), i believe black women more often than others experience the critical eye when it comes to our hair length, texture, and style.
will it ever be possible to move past the belief that extremely short hair is masculine or boyish, no matter how feminine and attractive the woman beneath the scalp is? am i missing the point by wishing for this look to be socially acceptable because isn't the point to not really give a good damn what other people think so long as you like what you see?
easier said than done. no one wants to feel less attractive, let alone to their mate. and stepping outside societal norms is a little scary. ok, a lot scary. but it's a journey worth taking, in the long run.
am i right?
"You sho' is UGLY!" - Shug
i'm starting to understand why some people consider natural hair to be political or controversial. it all starts when someone who has his or her own thoughts about hair, beauty, gender roles, and relational norms imposes those standards onto you. and then, and here's the shell game!....when you resist that tide, BAM:
controversy.
i had a talk with the man i kiss about transitioning my hair. he took it in stride. he even told me he completely agreed with my decision to lock my hair. i thought to myself "that was probably the easiest conversation a woman has ever had about making a drastic change to her hair!"
but the one time i told him it was my intention of cutting my hair off completely, he must have blocked it from his mind. i mean i know he heard me, but as with most things that make no sense to him, he apparently just blinked through it and waited for me to stop making noise.
this past sunday, we were watching the BET awards and saw kanye west and his girlfriend amber rose. my kissing mate said "WHO is that! her hair makes her look like a dude!"
i said "you think so?"...thinking to myself with a body like that, she would never be confused with a man, but who wants to point that crap out to your kissing mate and set yourself up for sitting through an extended ogling session?....
"i was totally going to cut my hair off like that," i finished, almost offhandedly.
"yeah, right." he answered, equally offhandedly with a smattering of panic i believe i heard along the edges.
"no really! i was totally gonna..."
"YEAH.RIGHT." he finished.
which, in my mind, equated to "good day sir, I SAID GOOD DAY!"
i let it go, only because i'd changed my mind already anyway. but still.
does any other group on the face of the world get as much static about hair than the black woman? and while it's true that black men experience their own share of criticism if their hair doesn't fit a certain acceptable image (corporate fro, anyone?), i believe black women more often than others experience the critical eye when it comes to our hair length, texture, and style.
will it ever be possible to move past the belief that extremely short hair is masculine or boyish, no matter how feminine and attractive the woman beneath the scalp is? am i missing the point by wishing for this look to be socially acceptable because isn't the point to not really give a good damn what other people think so long as you like what you see?
easier said than done. no one wants to feel less attractive, let alone to their mate. and stepping outside societal norms is a little scary. ok, a lot scary. but it's a journey worth taking, in the long run.
am i right?
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