FAIL

dear woman,

even before you went too daggone far with the hair, you were committing felony fuckery with the eyelashes. I sentence you to 9 semesters of black literature studies with a concentration on The Bluest Eye and a lifetime prescription refill of Latisse.

sincerely,

everybody

The Instyler hates your kinky hair, sis.

If there is one thing my friends no about me it's that i have a stupid weekend obsession with infomercials. i love watching these mini-tv shows, where they try to sell you cheaply made items dirt cheap (or not so dirt cheap) with the promise of satisfaction.

Most of these infomercials rope me in pretty easily, but the main thing stopping me if i'm broke: how can i buy a $290 vacuum cleaner when my water bill is late??? and everyone i've told is quite relieved to hear that i've given up my dream if making a Thanksgiving turkey in a Nu-wave convection oven.

That being said, i must admit that the infomercial for the InStyler rotating flat-iron has really, really, really, REALLY harshed my buzz. and i was finally driven to my keyboard by the cosigning of Kimberly Locke of the wonders and magic of this $300.00 $89.00 $45.00 $14.95 for 30 days hair tool.

when i started this blog, i made it clear that i'm not part of the "if you relax or straighten your hair, you're lost" movement. i believe we should make the choices that make us happy with ourselves, but that we should also we aware of the history behind why certain beauty standards prevail and what kind of messages we received about our natural selves, which originally drove the straightening of hair in African American women. if you want straight hair, fine.

just understand that straight hair is NOT more beautiful than natural hair. don't fall for the oky-doke.

yet, the people shilling the Instyler apparently didn't get this message. throughout the infomercial, naturally kinky hair gets the slam. and I mean slam! Cue Kimberly Locke:

as she sits in the chair, about to have her hair styled with the tool, the stylist talks about how her natural hair is dry and very difficult to manage, saying he has spent hours in the past trying to get her hair straight. and then he proceeds to link straight hair with hair that is pretty, shiny, and healthy. he takes one section of her natural hair and says "look how when i drop it, it just falls in a clump!" but the hair he's straightened with the Rod of God? "it falls beautifully and softly! and look how healthy* it looks!!"

and the whole time he's dogging out the hair that grows naturally from her head, she's sitting there grinning like a mook! and camera shots of the other black women (yeah, both of them) in the audience showed them shaking their damn heads in agreement. for a second, i thought the one with the extra long hair was going to get the spirit and start doing the jesus dance around the stage!

sure, sure, i know what you're saying: "doesn't it make sense for someone selling a flat-iron to speak highly of straight hair, helllloooo?"

yeah, yes it does. but that doesn't mean you have portray hair that is not naturally straight as dry, lifeless, unruly, and hard to manage. that's the same message black women have been receiving about our hair since forever and frankly, i'm over it. and i'm really irritated they found a black woman willing to put her limited star power behind the message that straight hair is better hair.

there's an 80s song that i have been caught singing on more than one occasion that has a lyric line saying "just because you're right doesn't mean i'm wrong."

there's enough room at the Beauty Bar for everyone, quit trying to elbow me back.

*if anyone can show me actual proof that applying heat directly to AA women's hair makes it more healthy by changing the structure of the curl pattern, i'll tell you to quit smoking crack. applying direct heat like that over long periods of time is damaging, period.

Ps: duh.

for colored girls when transitioning is not enough: ILLEGAL EDITION

Boss: can you come to my office for a moment.

Me: sure.

(later)

Boss: shut the door....i'm going to say something and i don't want you to take this the wrong way: i realize that when you have a baby, especially when you have two, you have to prioritize and spend your money money on things related to the care of the kids. but i want to take this (passes over a $50 bill) and go get your hair done.

Me:....thanks for the tip, but i won't be getting a relaxer.

Boss: you better!

Me: well, i'm not.

Boss: you better, or Pow! right in the kisser!

Me: nope, not gonna do it. but again, thanks for the tip!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
my boss has an inter-office reputation of saying and doing things that are rude, obnoxious, and inappropriate. and unfortunately, i can't honestly say this incident takes the cake when it comes to this type of workplace behavior.

but i will say this:

even though i know it happens, i don't think i really prepared myself for push back during this transition phase. and facing it like that, i was just astounded by the audacity of the words, as well as embarrassed that i had been "called out" like that. it's not the first time my hair has been thrown into the conversation pot at work, but it was definitely the least pleasant.

it is really interesting that black hair texture, the real stuff that grows out of your scalp, is only appropriate if you are male. while the conk had it's run there for a while...oh, and there was that shameful chapter in black american history called The Jheri Curl...for the most part, black men have been allowed to wear their own hair on their head with little to no static. but thanks to a beauty standard i didn't ask to adhere to, i was basically admonished by a black man that my hair needed to be done. and by done, i believe he meant straightened.

anyway, re-read the exchange. it just gets more and more curious the more you turn it over in your head.